Better late than never. I have been thinking about my 2008 resolutions for a while. Before I lay them out I want to ponder the yesteryears. I get pretty serious when it comes to these resolutions. Spending a lot of time thinking about them and then working very hard on them throughout the year.
Over the previous years I have tried to keep them simple, usually sticking to 1 or 2 main ones. Last year, I focused on health and career. I wanted six pack abs and to figure out my career.
I was able to lose a lot of weight (down to 150 lbs). and maybe get 4 pack of abs. Still, I was unable to maintain that and have since gained a little back. Not much though, and through a steady diet and healthy habits I have maintained a much thinner body and I feel healthier than ever. My diet has even greatly improved. Resolution = success.
Career. This was also a success. This year I came into my own for my career, personally and professionally. I now have amazing hobbies that directly translate into my job, and my job feeds directly into my hobbies. A truly fabulous dynamic that stretches the boundaries of my job, and breaks any link to the negative aspect of the term “work”. Basically, I love what I do and don’t consider it work. It only took me 27 years but I finally found something I love, something that excites me, and something that I am really good at. Success.
The year before that, 2006, was the year of change. That year that I moved across the country, left my my girlfriend who I love, and left the hometown that I love. I wanted to just figure things out. I wanted to successfully arrive in Washington D.C. I wanted to get back on the horse and start galloping again. It took a lot of effort and was truly a struggle, but it worked. The change was a success.
The only resolution from 2006 that I can remember is to continue to grow and continue to have fun. I definitely did that but I was really worried about losing myself. At that time I had changed careers several times, and had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do. Fortunately, everything has come together and I succeeded.
Strange how much of my life revolves around my career and professional success. Doesn’t bother me though, because I am a devoutly passionate person and I need to dive into everything I do. Now, that I have a personal/professional balance with my career I am a much more balanced person. My passion does not frustrate me, it drives me.
It is with this new balance, that I feel a change inside of me. I have been waiting for this since I attained my adult consciousness (about 16 yrs of age). It is strangely new and scary. I can now define myself through my career, but I can also lose myself in my work. I can focus my extreme quest for knowledge in one area and meet others with the same intensity and drive. This is a place that I have been dreaming of for years.
Thanks to everyone who helped me achieve this state, I love you and cherish your help and guidance: Scott, Pat, Jenny, Sean, Don, Amy, Mom, Dad, & Max.
Another important change inside of me is deeply personal. My love. I have always been intensely focused on 2 things in my life, often at the expense of everything else. Those are career and love. They can be extremely elusive and frustratingly in opposition. The career part I confidently have down. The love part is lost to me.
Since birth I have been happy and playful, but also strangely focused. I always need constant companionship, but not through large social networks. Nope, just through simple best friends. One at a time, a whole series of them throughout my life. One after the other. Each one has changed my life, challenged me, and brought me greater joy than I have ever felt before.
Unfortunately, I am at a loss right now. I’m in between best friends and have no one to love. My puppies is amazing but nothing compared to a simple best friend. I miss Jenny deeply and I hope we will re-unite at a later time. Is it weird that I think about her constantly and dream of marrying her?
Not to me. I cherish our time together and look forward to my future, whatever it is, and whoever it is with. The future is bright.
I try to focus on my insecurities with being alone. I try to deal with being single. I now that I need to be more comfortable with myself. Its hard being so confident and knowing how much I enjoy being in love, and then dealing with being single and losing some confidence. Alas, I am learning a lot through this struggle and becoming a better person, despite constant commiseration (not a big fan of learning through struggle).
I feel like I am more balanced than ever. I often think about how many mistakes I made on Jenny. It is amazing that she stuck with me throughout my career struggles. I was quite an ornery person as I was clawing my way to the top and trying to define myself in the process.
An intensely confusing and challenging period in my life. One that contributed to the downfall of our relationship. I wish to apologize to her for what I did and what I was. Still, I want to thank her for being amazing, supportive, and always smiling throughout it. I don’t think I could have gotten here today without her.
Jenny you’re the best!
In conclusion, it is very strange to think about living in the first decade of the 21st century. The decade is almost over too!
The year 2007 is now closed and it was a revolutionary year for me personally. My career is on track. My life is on track. The future is ahead of me. I am excited and optimistic. Life is good.
this is a truly inspirational post. but i hate when people say “i have no one to love.” understanding the desire for a relationship, love is not a selfish act, and is not limited to one person. oftentimes, people “love” selfishly – meaning he or she loves the a person based on what that person provides, instead of having the mindset “how can i love this person best”?
Steve, you have a deep and resourceful spirit and a clear gift for expressing yourself. I appreciate the issues of passion and confidence about which you speak and also the pain that comes with being (or at least feeling like) you are alone. This is something I have some personal experience with. While I’m also not a big fan of learning through struggle the unfortunate truth of my experience at least is this: it is through struggle that most learning comes. Perhaps it needn’t be that way–maybe we just think it does so we feel as if we have earned the learning! Wouldn’t it be nice if it didn’t take such pain. Maybe.
I do know this, however, I’m thankful to call you colleague and to be surrounded by such depth of spirit.
I think Amy has it right about selfish love. We often do “love” selfishly or fall prey to being too needy–god knows I do–and this is not a good thing. That said, I believe that love does fulfill our soul’s needs. Souls seek each other out, or are drawn together, based on their strengths and needs, and then–hopefully–they intertwine with those that make them each stronger. The passion that comes from this, and the love, is the thing, I think, that completes us and brings us closest to god.
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