and in a circus
Feminism
A political leader (from Greek “polis”) is an individual who is involved in influencing public decision making.
That’s me. I can’t help it. I was born this way. Believe me, too, I have hated it in myself.
Still it has influenced everything I’ve done in my life. Up to this point I have been very silent about this. Only those closest to me were aware. Now, I’m ready to turn it on. I’m starting here.
Starting with my first stance. I’m making a stand, rather obvious one, for womens rights. Women have acheived a lot already but the game is not over.
Passive Sexism
First thing that happens when u suppress a movement like sexism is that it goes underground. It becomes backroom chatter, silent understandings, and hidden oppression. It becomes veiled in other causes (separate but equal) and is harder to identify.
You can’t fool a politician though, that’s our game. I recognize it and I will tell you, you can count on that.
I pledge to fight passive sexism.
Public Image
Ever been in a school? If so you understand what kids look up to and what they mimick. They will be the first to repeat the curse word back to you and copy your worst qualities.
Same thing is true in US society and culture. We don’t understand the true reality of conference panel picking or managment meetings. We understand public image and what you say.
It really is a dual challenge of walking the walk and telling people you are walking the walk. Can’t just be fair and open minded (walk the walk) you also have to openly state your open mind.
Until you do that you sit next to all the sexists that women deal with on a daily basis.
This is not about playing politics or crafting an image. It is about clearly distancing yourself from the sexists.
Otherwise, you leave it up to us to form our own opinions.
The Theory of Mind
“Theory of mind is that thing that a two-year-old lacks, which makes her think that covering her eyes means you can’t see her”
The mind is a powerful force but it is also a secluded force. It is all by itself and can never really ‘touch’ another mind. That’s why empathy is so important in our world. It is something we inherently lack and need to work at.
When it comes to sexism it is just as bad as racism. One can never really understand how it feels to be oppressed until you are. Then you take it seriously. Then you understand how important it is to make a stand and do whatever you can to help.
That is the point of the theory of mind. Its very hard to understand and emphathize with another mind. What you can do is listen to those around you. Notice when they are telling you something. You may not understand it but it will always come accross with passion, hurt, emotions, or a claim that it’s the right thing to do.
That is what I am doing. I’m hearing and seeing all this in my life right now. I’m also hearing a lot of defensive arguements and laissez faire attitudes.
As the leader that I think I am it is my duty to stand up and stake my claim. I believe I am seeing sexism. I believe that chips will always fall as luck wants, but a person can do the right thing in the meantime.
I want to see a better world, one without sexism. Please join with me and take this step.
My Biggest Project (so far)
It’s not really fair to call this a project, but that is what helps me understand the undertaking. It helps me bucket-it and stay sane as it happens.
The latest project of mine is Amy Senger. She is the woman I love. I have decided to give my love to her and dedicate all that I do to her.
I regularly tell her: “I am your servant”, “You are my queen”, “You are the woman of my dreams”.
In search of all this I am back in Washington DC….for her. My dog is at home, so is my car, and all my belongings. It is a strange time for me, having started a new business, uprooted my life, and then fallen in love (all within a few months).
Not really that strange, though, if you know me. Might actually be ‘par for the course’ if you know what I mean. Still, that doesn’t make this strangeness any easier for Amy.
Whether she knew it or not. Welcomed it, expected it, or feared it…the full onslaught of my personality is now upon her. My ex recently called it “aggressive” as she gave one of those grimaced looks off into the distance.
It really is a right of passage for getting to know me. I can’t help it. I can turn it off for those with a weak or potential tie to me, but watch out if ur a strong tie. Fights, late night talks, annoyances, challenges, debates, uncomfortableness. Yeah I’ve been told I cause all that and within the last month.
Now don’t get me wrong I also create beauty and love in the world. It’s just that one never remembers or thanks the good deeds because its the toughest ones that you remember. Trust me on this. I can go back and see the growth and love I helped create, never a thank you….
Back to Amy Senger. She is handling all this beautifully. Her outward beauty is only matched by her inner beauty and her agile, capable mind. She is constantly telling me about her revelations and problems. Getting upset about what I tell her and showing frustration with the constant pushiness (though that’s better than aggressive).
Through it all she is a philly and rising to the challenge.
I guess I’m writing about this because it is hard on me too. I don’t like to admit it but I feel her pain/struggle/frustration as well. I can see the end and the dream, but it still is just as hard for me. It distracts me from my obsession, A Clean Life, which is saying something.
It’s just that when I see something I want I jump on it. I never look back. I attain that dream and accept the new reality.
Amy is my new reality.
A Golden Gate Mist
beauty is in the eye of the beholder and in some cases it is also in the eyes of the world. She cannot walk down the street without striking a change in men. But her power is not limited to the opposite sex, she can also foment desirous fears in women too. It is her museness.
———–
San Francisco is a like a dream in the wind. Tall buildings with ancient facades of the gold rush. Entering the city is like touching a butterfly. You can flutter all the way around its restaurants, business, scenic vistas, rabid parties, and simple natural people. Leave the environs and you have a wealth at your door. From the park at the Golden Gate bridge, to the towering sequoias. Touch the valleys for farms and wine. Head north for wet wild ruggedness. Head south for simple vistas and beach towns.
Enter the Bear Den
Love or something like it.
I cautiously enter the den…will i be mauled or warmed?
The next great adventure of my life is approaching…slowly ticking away like the destiny that approaches.
Ive lost all control of my sanity and connected with something primal
i feel speed and i want to go fast. I have this need and desire and its fast
I dont know where its going but i want to go there.
Why cant i tell where its going
i want to smoke and drink and carouse
maybe its sexual desire
i hope it is
no
i know it is
its this unbridled passion i keep thinking about
i want it
i need it
sex, love, desire
these are my words
i take you
where will we go
what will stop this shaking
questions damn you
i want answers
i want passion
all around is life
all around is me
i feel
i need
some passion
————————–
writing is an expression of the mind
when the mind is lost for words
i am a man of words
i can twist and turn words into situations
then the situation becomes mine
smiles
—————————
alive
i feel alive when the wind blows
the sun shines
and my heart beats
every moment is mine
i dont cherish the moments
nor do i relish
i live in them because i am alive
——————————-
money sex power
are on my mind
floating across the divide
between passion and consciousness
i cannot control them
i need them
they are mine
but they are just concepts
just desires
desires that simple men can achieve
love lust passion
are elusive to me
i want them in me
like a fire that burns
they are not concepts
they are feelings
i want them
simple men cannot achieve them
————————–
writing writing writing
more words
to quench my soul
i type and type
i i even say out loud each word i type
they come from within
mindless beings they are
unconsciously
subconsciously
they flitter about my brain
they nag me until i release them
words words
i turn you into words
—————————–
i sigh a deep sigh
the cold wind touches my skin
deeper and deeper i go
until the passion is calm
calmness is my only peace
my only moment to feel connected
to the rest of the thinking world
but thoughts are elusive and i dont like them
i want dreams and passion
its a cycle
that i cannot touch
only the words i write can connect
the only place where the peace and thinking
unite in me
until i have my peace
i so desire the peace
——————————-
freedom
passion
love
desire
speed
touch
need
sense
believe
dreams
i feel these all at once driving through my body
channeling through my blood
igniting me and inspiring me
i just may burn and crash
but only once all of them are achieved
———————————
somewhere out there is a cool
beautiful feeling
that touches my soul
ignites my spirit
she is constant
a floating mirage of desire
that consumes me until i touch her
but there is no way to quench
no desire to quench
only an everlasting desire to connect
and feel
and touch
she is my center
and my love
somewhere out there
she is alive and breathing
A short story about my dreams
sometimes i write when i dont want to. I sit down at my desk and think about how much i dont want to write. But i cant escape. the pen just grabs me. I let loose and away we go…
there are these drapes. Really, i dont even know what drapes are. They are just a memory that is forever coming to mind. My mom loved drapes. She used to hang them over bed at all times. white ones, cartoon ones, always drapes.
Yet everytime i dream these drapes come to mind. So it starts…
a window with drapes. great big flowing ones with white like satin look to them. you can touch but you cannot. one touch and they will wrap all around you. The wind it gusts but it doesnt want to. it just wants to move the drapes and touch my dream. The wind is tricky and needy always wanting to be in my dreams.
Now saying that these are my dreams is funny. They are mine in that i have them, but i cannot control them. I cannot effect them anymore than i can stop time. But i can do battle with them. If i make them come true then they are destroyed. The wind and my drapes must forever be changed. Any moment of stillness and the dreams stop. The wind gets angry. Life gets wrong.
So i look forward to the wind and its tricks. I remember the drapes and seek their silk. But then there is light. A sunset or a dawn, i dont know. But light is there, light enters. It touches the drapes and makes them glow. No glow is not right. Cloudy is right. The clouds also want to be in my dreams. The light trusts the clouds to get past the drapes and enter the room. But it cannot. So the wind tricks, the light trusts, and the clouds cloud. But still these are my dreams, but i cannot control them.
I am a slave to these dreams. I am tortured by them. I am riven with constant desire. I am unable to escape and feel peace. They always touch me and find me. I cannot let the drapes and the wind/clouds/light down. They need me. I need me.
But wait, im scared, they are my dreams. I guard them. I trust them. I know them. I need them. I protect them and hold them and never let anyone touch them.
No
I have trusted and listened and made the dreams happy. Now it is my turn. I want something from you dreams. I want a bear. I want an Amy. I want to open the window and let a bear in.
She is crazy and mad and angry and wild and fearful, but i want her in. I want a bed. I want a team. I want a life with her. So please let her in. Please let me be happy. I do not ask for peace, i understand the ways of dreams. I accept the winds tricks, the lights trust, and the clouds cloud. But please let her in.
I will leave you know dreams. I will leave you be. I will leave you to think on this. I know you love me and i love you. We are a team but our team has grown. Goodbye dreams
Poems when i cry and im alone
I feel odd
my fingers shake
my heart quakes
i want to be warm but im cold
softness annoys me
fur delights me
fur is so tender
and sweet
i want to have a coat of fur
something that warms my soul
i want to run and be free
but i cant
im cold
her hair
her chin
my face
so cold
i want a blanket
that wraps my soul in her
i want her warmth
i want her soul
sometimes i wonder
where i can go
what i can do
how i can feel
i dont know
i just feel odd
——————
somewhere i go
to a place that no one knows
its cold and sad
and im all alone
i cry and weep
but it never stops
im still there
im still here
i dont care anymore
nothing hurts
nothing feels
my tender heart
feels crished
by tears
—————–
where does this sadness come from
i want an old man to tell me
i want the world to turn
i want peace on my brain
one tear, strokes my cheek
begetting more
and more
i dont know why i cry
i just know im alone
im here, im writing
im feeling
so deep
——————-
things i remember
before i forget
walking so fast
like a cheetah in the wind
water bottle, hat, an agitated mind
i remember
before i forget
i told you i love u
i grabbed ur hand
i wanted your heart
i seek
i romance
i need to remember
before i forget
drinks
we went for drinks
i remember our drinks
i cry
i never saw ur love
im lost
——————
where must i go
what must i do
how far must i go
to be with u
ur smell i touch
ur lips i taste
ur heart i melt
i dont know
their is fear
their is darkness
their is hope
their is…i dont know
the salt touches my lips
it enrages my soul
i dont want to feel this
i want to be free
i dont ever want to feel
but i do
i miss u
——————-
just a single tear
why do you haunt me
is it for love?
is it for want?
is it for hope and desire and sex and touch
please no more tears
i miss, i cry, i feel, and i dont want to
i just want u
i just need u
i must
i don
i cant
i wont
but i do
——————
where am i
im alone
im sad
im not fuzzy
im not simple
im not loved
but i am
i fear this love
it touches me
it scares me
but i just dont know
i make no sense
but sense it not to be made
of love and tears
i only want u
i only need u
——————–
a vision to quell these tears
ur blonde a rest on my leg
looking up at me
smiling
ur dancing, ur smiling, ur dress
ur voice
so much so little
i have none
alas tears leave me
haunt another man
take my sadness
take it to my soul
and ask
where is this heart
where must it go
why do i feel
so
sad
——————–
when i think
about how i acted
and how i felt
i seem so silly
i was crusading
i was against the world
i needed something
it was all about me
then there was you
i opened my eyes
and i saw
i wanted you
i knew you
you’re heart beats with mine
you’re mind thinks with mine
your body touches mine
im still so scared
im still so wrapped in myself
but i hope
i believe i can love u
i believe
im so silly
—————–
how do i know i can love u
i dont
i dont need to know anything
i just feel
i just know
i shed tears and i obsess
i feel it in me
i let the passion
wash over my sanity
there is nothing left of me
just feeling
and knowing
that i must have u
i must touch u
i must enwrap you in my arms
but more than must
i need
a need that feels
a need that desires
i feel i know i need
———————–
i dont want to write
i want to cry
i want
you
your beautiful
ur sunshine
ur my heart
25 things…
*a response to 25 things… by Amy Senger*
You may or may not know about the Bear aka the @sengseng:
- If you are lucky enough to see her right when sunlight enters the room, she smiles and giggles like a blissful child
- She cannot drive in peace, instead she requires madonna and or loud dance music which she then dances in her seat to
- She doesn’t need to but drives a total beater
- If she puts her hair up and tight then no one recognizes her
- She uses that deception trick to her advantage
- When she kisses me I secretly open my eyes and watch her, she sticks her lips out, chin up, and has a perfect smile
- She is afraid of commitment
- She has an undying need for growth
- She achieves the amazing but fears the simple
- She believes in energy and gets really, really bothered when people with bad energy are messing up her energy
- She obsessively cleans up her workspace (but her car is always a total mess)
- She may not know how to “settle down”
- If you put her in a room for more than 10 minutes her leg will start thumping and she will start finding anyway to leave the room
- When it comes to our relationship, she inspires me and makes calm me
- She has a ginormous but
- She sends me secret naughty texts
- She is crazy about her niece, Sarah
- After I professed my love to her, she talks to me in a calm voice I have never heard before
- We were friends for 3 years until a road trip and a lot of talk about When Harry Met Sally passed
- I can see the center in her and I love it
- We have a calendar that tracks her period so I can tell when to prepare for the worst and best
- Amy has an amazing vision, eagle eye senger. This is true physically (like spotting things far away) and mentally (she can see and make things happen that others cant)
- She says Im the only man to ever reject her
- She throws things at me when I am purposely making her mad
- She is beautiful inside and out
Momma, I Love You
Top 5 Awesomeness about my Mom:
- TechWizard
- She Loves Talk
- Boy does she love gabbing. I think if she had a super power it would be to engage in conversation. We can sit for hours and just talk. Mom i think you need a talk show. Or, better yet let’s you and i podcast!
- Fashion
- Mom you love to shop, but even cooler you keep your fashion sense going. Sometimes I question your obsession with dolphins and leopard print, but then you pass onto lighthouses and Sting. Keep up the cool fashion sense Mom and thanks for picking out my number one favorite shoes which are crazy in fashion now.
- Support
- Everyone has a number one fan and mine is of course my Momma. She reads all my twttrs and blogs (even the multiple accounts i have on both systems). She checks out my pics and watches my videos. For my new venture, A Clean Life, she is even telling everyone she knows about it and growing the cause with me.
- Innovator
- I am sometimes known as an innovative thinker. In fact, sometimes i am incapable of thinking ‘inside’ the box. Not until this year did i realize where i got that from….my Mom! She is totally a game changer. She does it not for the thrill but because its the right thing to do. Though, when she does do it she does get scared. Standing up to people and telling the truth is hard, but she still does it and inspires me to keep doing so too.