THE ROBOT

It all started with this tweet:

Worst part of getting dumped is knowing that you will remember everything while trying to move on – 12:15am, April 7

I was a bit inebriated and soon descended into tearing paper hearts off the wall (from valentines day). Five days would pass and I’m still a wreck. The break-up hurts but something else is bugging me. I’m crying in bathrooms, taking showers to cry, not eating..

At a friends barbeque I’m cornered into a bet: a silence retreat for three days.

No talking/twitter/phone calls/texting.

Only communication needed to get through my day (which includes talking at work).

I was slightly interested in doing this but would have rather dealt with the ‘crying’ thing.

It was a tough time with Bear but it was something more. My parents had also come into town. That wasn’t it either. Something was definitely off.

It took all three days of silence for the puzzle to be solved. The end of which saw the Bear and I coming back together more intimate than before, and me beginning to heal some deep childhood issues. I feel taller and stronger now which is amazing.

Now, to the details of how it all happened:

Thoughts after day one

(the following is a diary entry written during the silence retreat and unedited, except for grammar)

1. I dont think before I speak. I like doing that too. I think it stems from when i was 4 or 5 and had a stutter. One day I was suddenly cured and went from years of held back speech to sudden freedom. I could talk all i want. You can say the next few decades were an onslaught of talking on all those around me. Now I see the value in not talking. Problem is I am stuck in a habit of word vomit (and I like it). Plenty of folks have complained about this over the years. I guess now may be the time to solve this issue. It will be a challenge for me since this is not just a habit but a hobby (i love talking). Hopefully, I will find some way to love not talking!

2. Communication is warm. Right now I feel very isolated. I am all around people but I can’t talk to them. If i were talking to them I wouldn’t notice the lack of warmth. Its just always there for most of us. I definitely feel it now and its like a cold shoulder. Even more, I am next to amy and I cant talk to her. It feels like a huge divide. I really like hearing about her day, her latest thoughts, and discussing the random topics that pop into our brains. I feel isolated, cold, and I miss the bear.

3. Deep eyes. Since i’m not talking I don’t really want to look at someone’s mouth or lips. I feel myself drawn to the eyes. I want to see what they say. I feel like through the eyes I can feel thoughts and emotions. It feels like richer insight into the person than conversing can give. I must try this when I am talking again. Watch the eyes for depth and listen the mouth for content.

Day two

(the following is a diary entry written during the silence retreat and unedited, except for grammar)

The silence is killing me. I spent the whole day tired and emotional. Amy kept asking me about my past and my emotions. Revealing some of my deepest insecurities. Things i had tried for years to run from, hide from, and pretend never existed. Work goes by in a flash. The right side of my brain takes over. I plan and execute. The silence disrupts my respite. Talking has always been my escape, now without out i feel helpless. Emotional.

I meet up with Bill a new friend. Friends. I don’t really have any. I mean I have people who like hanging out with me and me them. People who know about me and my life. Shared experiences. But, not friends. After my emotional morning and emails to Amy sunlight has peeked through the pain. I am scared to let people in. Haunted by the memories of abusive relationships, loss of innocence, and pain.

The sunlight is the moment I share with Bill. Instead of talking at him, I listen. Instead of having to say everything I engage in a conversation. Bill seems to enjoy it, me too, but the little voice inside of me was shouting, itching, screaming to say more/more/more.

Confused, scared, and learning. That’s where I am now. The emotions are close to overtaking me. I really just want to sleep get past the tiredness. But i know i need to let out the pain. It wants to come out and see the sunshine. In the light i may just grow. Today I make the commitment to listen.

Day 3

I never make it to the end of day three, right as time is about to expire I shout: “I’m breaking all the rules, Bear is beautiful, and I want to lose the bet” – “why” – “Because I want to take you on a hot air balloon” (my part of the bet).

I felt like a new man ready to listen and make friends. The very first thing to do was think about other people. Try to be genuine in the giving and do something for them. Bear had always wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride and I would rather lose the bet to do something for her.

Two days later we take our long planned trip to Miami. The trip was once a point of contention, we broke up but should we still go. Instead we are sitting at the terminal together. Happy. A couple.

Well, that resolves the break-up problem. We are back together.

I’m not even sure we split up. We did have a huge fight. I was not happy, she was not happy, and something needed to change. The rest of the details don’t add much to this narrative but the outcome of this all does.

First, I’m staying in DC for a while. Maybe another dreaded winter. Maybe forever. I don’t know.

I miss California and need it to be a bigger part of my life. This summer I will head home for a few weeks or month. Probably do the same in December.

I’m not sure if this will quench my desire to be ‘home’ but its a start. I mean who can complain about spending a month surfing on the beach.

The second outcome is my personal growth. I learned how important friends are and more importantly why I was keeping myself isolated. It will take some time but I think I can solve this.

Third, twitter is losing its appeal. Very slowly it is fading into a mass communication device devoid of real people and feelings. Too many share links and interesting whatnots and leave real life out of it.

When I shared my break-up and a feeling that my life was falling apart I received support and love from close friends/family. Yet those same people say I “cried wolf” or “share too much”. A strange position for me. I share and get amazing support but am told that I shouldn’t have done so.

The twitter culture (or our culture) is establishing a Victorian etiquette that covers what is appropriate and inappropriate, and I don’t like it.

I want to share more and use social networks to strengthen relationships. Instead I feel them becoming shallow vague representations of our lives.